Yesterday's big achievement was not having a seizure.
I had hoped that my this point in my life following epilepsy diagnosis "not having a seizure" wouldn't be such a big deal, but, well, there you go. Life and its curved balls, eh?
Today's achievement will hopefully be to go two days without a seizure. Again, small potatoes here, but after the last few weeks, I'm aiming low while hoping high. Because of course, hopefully this bad run of seizures will need on its own, as ethereally as it began, and hopefully life will continue on its merry way, and I will feel confident going about my daily business without W shadowing me to keep me safe. After all, I have children to raise, books to write, and a wedding to prepare for.
The biggest frustration for me having seizures as often as I do is not a concern that I will suffer long-term, or that I will be injured having a seizure, as it is for W. I'm almost embarrassed to admit how complacent I can be about my seizures at times, because they almost never deviate from their regular pattern of me being debilitated, me coming round enough to merely be groggy, and then me being okay. I've come to terms with the fact that they happen. As much as I acknowledge the concerns that other people have for my health during a seizure, the biggest problem I have with them is how annoyingly time-consuming they are.
When you have a to-do list as long as your arm, taking a time out that ranges from twenty minutes to over an hour is a luxury that you can't afford. Yet that is what having a seizure forces me to do. Sometimes more than once a day, because as well as the seizures I've been having a lot of auras which have been severe enough that I've had to lie down. In the last few days I've had far too much down time, and it's put me a long way behind. And of course, the stress of being behind schedule doesn't help reduce their frequency. It's like being caught in a downward spiral.
I'm clawing my way back up it now. Tomorrow, W's parents have offered to take the children all day and overnight, which takes a lot of pressure off for a while. I can't honestly say I expect to work flat out all day, because I'm human and I know I'll rejoice in the lack of constant responsibility by slacking off. I don't think there's a single parent out there that wouldn't agree. But my list won't be forgotten - if nothing else because it's plastered all over my desktop on virtual post-it notes which I don't get to delete until they are finished. Hopefully that should be enough of a reminder, eh? I'll let you know how it all pans out.