Tuesday 5 July 2011

The New Normal

So. It would seem that, for the time being at least, my seizures are going to happen almost every day. I have actually had two seizures today. One first thing this morning, and another this afternoon. Unfortunately I didn't get to see the epilepsy nurse today as she was ill, but I should be getting another appointment in the post. Well, it fits the pattern, I guess.

Well, that's a little unfair. I phoned my GP today on the advice of Epilepsy Action, and to my amazement, he was able to book me an appointment at my local hospital for September. You know, the same hospital which told me that there were "no clinics". And he was apologetic for it being so far off. He looked for sooner appointments at hospitals further afield, but alas, the wait seems to be the same wherever I go. To be honest, I was actually quite impressed with how soon I'll be seen. The deferral letters I had been getting had been putting me off for six months at a time. I feel a bit of a tit now for not having kicked up a stink earlier.

I have also been promised a prescription for some new Anti Epileptic Drugs to try and reduce the seizures, with an appointment in a couple of weeks to see how I'm getting along. I may defer starting those until after my operation though. I don't think that I should be introducing new active chemicals to my bloodstream if I'm about to go under the knife.

All in all, things are looking...different. I wouldn't go so far as to say they're looking "up", but at least they aren't worse. Time will tell on whether these new meds are going to do anything, but until then (or if they don't), things are quite stressful. Planning to accommodate an all but expected seizure every day is very different to having contingencies set up just in case. I can feel myself already slipping back into the old fear I had when I was waiting for my diagnosis, when I spent an entire summer more or less indoors because I was scared to go out. That summer I developed an almost unhealthy addiction to a particular online multiplayer game, and I really don't want that to happen again (even though its sequel is now perfectly timing its sort-of-imminent release).

See, I'm still cheerful really. I can always tell how badly something is affecting me long-term by how I feel after talking/writing about it for ten to twenty minutes. If I'm still in a good mood by the time I finish, then the chances are that it's a passing low. It's not the end of the world unless I stop joking and laughing.

Actually, I think it's one of those few times where my utterly catastrophic short term memory comes in handy. I live so much in the present tense that it's hard for me to focus on the crap things that are happening if something else distracts me. The minute I spot an interesting book, or fire up the web browser or start chatting to someone, off my mind goes, flitting around and forgetting what it was I was so mopey about. I always remember again in the end, but at least it means I'm away with the fairies enough to not get permanently down. (The major downside to this is that I normally forget to do pretty much everything that isn't right in front of me. I have to keep my medication out on the worktop or I forget to take it.)

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