Well, touching wood doesn't work then...

There are some days when I feel I am doing really well. I don't think it would be fair to call today one of them, if I'm honest. I've had two seizures today - one of them a lot worse than my usual ones these days - and it's kind of stained what should be a special day for M; her first birthday.

The first one wasn't so bad. Well, I didn't make it upstairs, so I had the seizure on the floor, but really I just felt rather... other for a few minutes, and then came back to normal. My eyes were really flickering, and I had a weird urge to roll around on the floor, which I managed not to do (thank goodness) as I was alert enough to bear in mind my wounds, but when it was over the recovery period wasn't that long.

We opened presents and cards, O got a bit distressed by all the attention not being on him (in fairness, he's never had a younger sibling's birthday before), W's parents arrived and we had lunch, did the cake... and then I felt weird. W had been saying about an hour previously that the way I was acting, he thought  I was going to have a seizure, but I brushed it off as an overreaction because I honestly felt fine, and didn't (as I usually do) get all defensive and deny it wildly. Mostly, if W points out that he thinks I'm gonig to have a seizure, I start second guessing and worry that I will, or I do nowadays, at any rate. This time though, I think I had actually rolled my eyes, and dismissed it out of hand because I felt fine. 

So, when I sat in the chair, arms and legs twitching (and the remaining nub of conscious me panicking that I was going to rip my incisions open), with eyes rolling, teeth bared and tongue making clucking sounds, you will understand why I was rather shocked. My belly button really ached afterwards (I think I wrenched the whole area a little), and when I came round I couldn't speak at first, and I was shattered. I had to go upstairs, still feeling more than a little woozy, and I pretty much instantly fell asleep. I slept for about half an hour, apparently, and came back downstairs just in time to say goodbye to W's parents. Cue guilt.

So, at about half four this afternoon I rang the GP and epilepsy nurse, and talked over my options. I won't get to see my epilepsy nurse until August at the earliest as she's still sick (it figures) but I have asked for the nurse who covers the neighbouring part of Kent to give me a call on Monday because I need to speak to someone. And my GP has offered to write an email to a neurologist to try and get some advice on possible medications I could try so I don't have to wait until my appointment in September. Still, it doesn't change the frustration I have that there's nothing I can do right now to help myself. I just have to sit tight and hold on. Hopefully someone will have an answer for me, because I'm at a point now where my seizures are worse than they've been since I started taking the Keppra four years ago. The most frustrating thing of all is that I can't work out what has happened to make things change so dramatically.

Right. I'm not going to sit here and stew on this. If I don't stop now I'll sit and tie myself up in knots trying to think of triggers or patterns. Focus on the good - ongoing celebrations of M's birthday. I'll be damned if this is going to overshadow that.