Farewell, Brown Envelope...

That's that then. On Friday I posted off my last DLA renewal. Here's hoping, eh?

It took me the better part of a week and cost me about six or seven seizures, not counting the one I had on the way back from posting the damn thing. That last one turned a five minute walk into almost two hours, and cost me a few pounds in impulse purchases made when I wasn't fully there. Having a seizure is like being drunk. You're not fully in control of your body, even when you can walk and talk. And that side of things can last for a good hour or so either side.

In either case, Friday was a write off for me. I came home and I was out of it for most of the remainder. Had a nightmare that night as well. I guess I can't prove causality on that one, but it's an interesting coincidence.

I had a fairly large seizure yesterday too, and another this morning. Yesterday's involved falling off my computer chair and landing head first on the floor. I jarred my left knee, and caught my right foot on one of the chair's wheely-feet. Both still hurt this morning, along with various other ouches. And then in this morning's seizure I've jarred my left shoulder.

For such a tiny mark, my foot still hurts

one heck of a lot 

In essence, everything hurts, to a greater or lesser degree.

Is this my life anyway? Well, kinda. But the severity of the seizures and how close together they are (three "big 'uns" in three consecutive days, plus auras on the side) is striking. And that's *after* the form sat on my worktop for three days, complete and envelope'd, just waiting until I had a chance to post it.

It was demeaning, and horrifying, to list in detail all the things I can't do. All the dangers I can pose to myself and to O&M. All the measures I put in place to protect my family seem so frail at times. I can "manage" (at the cost of regularly injuring myself), but I take for granted having that extra money there to buy takeaway when it's not safe for me to cook and I've already used my "emergency ready meal" from the freezer. Or if I have no food because I couldn't get out to buy it.

I try to cover up the fact that there are times I will lie on the floor in the kitchen and my children will come and stand watching me for a minute before they get bored and go and play. I downplay it to friends: "Oh, I'm fine; the children are as good as gold, they know what to do."

I don't think they really know what to do at all. It's normal for them, they aren't scared. But they do poke me, or climb on me, or fail to realise I'm having a seizure. They tell me to get up, ask me why I'm lying on the floor. (Sometimes they get rather cross that I won't fetch them drinks etc.)

I gloss over those aspects on a day-to-day basis. One of the other mums has authority to collect my son from school if I don't turn up, so seizures at pick-up time can be resolved, but other than that I do all I can to not make concessions. I'm a fighter. Well. You have to be, and I'm lucky enough to come from a family of women who are stubborn as all hell anyway. I still hold that faint hope somewhere that one day I'll get my driving license back, and if that's not a faint hope in reality, I don't know what else is.

I'm a writer, I make up worlds, so my most common coping mechanism is to pretend there's nothing wrong with me all the time I can. I take risks. Last week I went to London for the evening. I spent the next day exhausted and had seizures as a result, but at least I had my fun night out.

And then, there I was, confronted with that God-forsaken form and an instruction to list, in detail, all the things I can't do. All the inhibitions on my life, all the ways that epilepsy gives me the finger on a regular basis. There's quite a few. Of the many sections, I think there were four or five, maybe six, that I could leave blank. I probably could have said more. I certainly would have said more, had I lots of consultation notes to hand in, but as it happens there's no access to specialist support here, so I don't have any. I did at least get to point that one out.

And now the wait. Fingers crossed I "pass", eh? Because I still need that DLA. Whether I meet the increasingly stringent criteria or not won't change the fact that most days, the longest I spend out of the house is an hour. In term time. Taking my son to school and picking him up.

And now that M is 3, I somehow have to start volunteering when term starts. Good old ESA, tailor-made to stretch me to the limit. Let's just hope it doesn't make my seizures worse, eh? Maybe double up on those crossed fingers. I might need the extra luck.