Tuesday, 7 June 2011


Well, today was...a pain in the backside, to be frank. The morning, at least.

I normally take O and M to various parent and toddler groups during the week, as a way of getting out of the house and giving W a break. He often walks us to them, and then meets me at the end, or not, depending on how I'm feeling. This has never been a problem. Apart from today, when I had a seizure in the middle of the session. Great.

I feel awful about it, really. I mean, I'm alright, the same as ever, but the people there were not expecting it, and I feel a bit rotten about adding to the existing chaos that is ever present around a collective of toddlers and babies. I was "out" for about four minutes apparently, though I'd put it at about half that, and fortunately I was both sitting on the floor out of sight of most of the children, and didn't thrash about at all. There were also several pretty level-headed people there who looked after me, although they did call an ambulance even after I came around. Just to be safe, you know. I can't blame them for that. Without knowing me well, it would be unsafe to take chances. It's just a little frustrating because I was still groggy enough to go along with it, but there enough to know that it was really a bit of a waste of time. I now have another heap of paperwork to add to my ever expanding medical file.

The other thing that unnerved me was that I think this is the first time I've had a seizure with O and M around but no other close family. Poor M had to be looked after by someone who was a complete stranger to her, and by the time I was well enough to hold her again she was pretty upset. It took her a good five minutes cuddling me to really calm down. It's times like that when I feel a rotten mother. She was still clingy when W arrived, although she did have a Daddy's girl moment when she saw him.

I look to the future sometimes as a positive thing, especially on days like this, because I know that the problem of what to do with O and M when I have a seizure will lessen. O barely noticed that anything had happened as he was busy playing, and I know in a couple of years M will be the same. But at the same time, I'm fully aware that "the future" isn't just a miraculous fix-all that will arrive and solve all our problems. New ones will arise, regularly, and I will still have to adapt and work around them. How will parents of other children feel about them coming to our house for tea should W be at work when he doesn't need to be a full-time carer any more? How would the children themselves feel? What about the infamous wait at the playground; if I have a seizure when collecting O or M from school, pretty much everyone would see, and while that doesn't bother me (I refuse to feel ashamed for having epilepsy), it might others.

There are other problems, I expect. I don't really think about it too much, because when I do, like now, I start to worry about all sorts of things there is no sense losing sleep over. What will be will be. O isn't at school yet, so there is no sense worrying about what happens when school-friends visit. Likewise the playground pick-up. Besides, W will have to remain my carer for some years yet, as today made readily apparent. In the short term, the group I was attending have asked to have a better action plan for the inevitable next time, so that they know exactly what they have to do. That will help considerably. Medium term? I plan on getting a medical bracelet. Still haven't gotten around to that yet, but I really must.

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