It is incredibly frustrating to feel powerless. I know, compared to a lot of people in the world I am incredibly empowered indeed, but there are still times when I feel that control over everything slips away and I am helpless - particularly when I am having a seizure, but also when small reminders crop up in my day-to-day life, letting me know how much I depend upon other people.
For example, last night W and I were both very tired W more so that myself, and really didn't want to have to give O and M their bath. Obviously we had to. But as we debated the possibility of bathing them this morning, I spontaneously suggested to W "Oh, well why don't I do it, and you can have a break," before I remembered that, no I couldn't.
Honestly, it sounds petty - even to me after a sleep and with M asleep on my arm, but at the time I just felt briefly crushed. W was knackered, but I couldn't offer to bathe our children so he could rest for a few minutes because it would be so unsafe. Likewise, despite having held a full driving license at one stage, there is now no chance of me driving, even when family emergencies occur and public transport is not up to the job, even when there is a car sat outside of the building in that I physically could drive, a taxi has to be paid for because I can no longer drive.
It's something which has been hanging over me a little for the last few days; how even simple things become that much more complex when dependence on others has to be factored in. W wanted to help his father sort through their garden the other day, and suggested that W's mother watch O and left me with just M as a bit of a break (M is still somewhat clingy, and anyway is still breastfed). But he was going to be gone all day, and I've been going through a patch of having seizures all or most days, so of course I had to come too, and well, no one relaxes as well at their in-laws' as they do at home. As much as I like W's parents, I still feel that I have to be polite when I am in their house. Plus, when I'm at home, half the time I don't bother with a top and just wear my dressing gown and trousers, because it makes feeding M easier. And that is quite clearly out of the question when not at home.
I know that some of these issues will be resolved with time. O and M will eventually be old enough to be safe if I am alone with them and have a seizure, even if it is a lengthy one. When O and M are safe in the bath, it won't matter if I bathe them alone - they would be able to hang tight and call for W if anything happened.
I guess it's just the principle that bugs me really. Most of the time I am perfectly capable of doing these things. I can and do wash O and M when they are in the bath, just as I dry them, dress them, talk and play with them and hold O's hand as we walk along the road (he tethered securely to my wrist as a precaution). But because of the unpredictable nature of my health, because of that chance at any time that I could have a seizure, I can't do any of those things by myself and feel confident. Most of the time I'm okay with that. It's something you get accustomed to, and I know when it is safe to maybe take what can be considered a risk, and walk round the corner to a shop with O by myself (again, always tethered to my wrist; I'm not daft). It's just that, every now and then, human nature catches up with me and I get caught out feeling sorry for myself. I make that most despised of errors - compare my lot with other people - and I find myself envying some people very much indeed.